Part 41

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The silence is palpable, only the sound of the crackling fire and faint breathing can be heard. My shoulders droop from my forlorn call for help, my last barrier, my defense, my history, and my very soul feel bare and exposed. Waiting for everything to come crashing down, I try and brace myself, to rebuild the barriers, but I find I don’t have the energy to do so any longer.

I curl up into a ball on the too large chair, hugging my knees to my chest, bow my head, and try to focus on my breathing. It steadies a bit, staving off yet another bout of sobbing. What have I done to expose myself like this? What am I doing wrong? What should I be doing? Should I have done anything differently?

Looking around the room while still scrunched into a ball. I see each one deep in thought, contemplating my very existence, my reason to be, and whether I should even be there.

Time stands still. My breathing rate has accelerated, my palms and forehead are sweaty and I am suddenly acutely aware of my fingernails, and how long they have gotten. Caught between the past and the future, my mind spirals inwards on everything I have done to this moment. If only I acted sooner rescuing Lena, if only I did not run off…

“I’ll help you.” Lena states, easing from her thoughts. No fear, no hesitation, just… abject certainty. Before I can react, she gets up from her chair, crosses the room, and wraps her arms around me.

“I may not know what a ‘human’ is, but it translated as ‘self’. You lost yourself, and yet have done so much, not just in knowledge, but in helping others. I fell in love with you, and I want to see the rest of you too. Not just the moral high ground strong guy that can move bridges on his own, but the one that needs rest, the one that has fun, and the one that can just be. You can just be, and just be with me if you want to as well. I don’t know what the others think, but it’s a start to finding you once again.”

I collapse into her warm embrace, her words washing over me as a cool wave. I sprout tears, but not of sorrow, but of the deep understanding that I am cared for, wanted and not just for what I know, but for the real me. The lost, broken, but healing, me. I let her hold me. I let myself be held.

“Aye, ye be good for knowle’ge, bu’ I wan’ tae ge’ ta know ya as wel’.” Eldrin states, leaning forward in his chair, which seems diminutive for him. “Ya say ye los’ part’ya, bu’ I knows tha’ you ‘ave i’. I’s in ya, an’ we’ll bring i’ ou’, like a sword from a block o’ iron.”

For the first time in a long time, the corners of my mouth lift into a smile, who knew half orcs could be so poetic?

Thallion finally exhales, rubbing his temple. “You always think too much,” he mutters. “I’ve seen you stare at a problem long after you have already solved it. Turning it over, analyzing it from every angle, like you’re afraid to make the wrong move. Like if you just think long enough, you’ll somehow make the world make sense.” His gaze sharpens as he meets mine. “But the world doesn’t work that way. It never has. And that’s okay.” He leans back, his posture still careful, measured. “You don’t have to earn your place here, Ethan. You don’t have to prove anything to us. You’re already here. That’s enough.” “I held on to the translator,” Silvra cuts in. “Not because of logic. Not because I needed it. But because I couldn’t bear the thought of not reaching you.” She exhales, glancing down at her stiff fingers. “And maybe that was foolish. Maybe I could have let go, saved myself some pain. But I chose not to. And if you think for one second that I regret that choice, you don’t know me at all.” She meets my gaze, unwavering. “You are not a burden, Ethan. You are not too much. If you were, I wouldn’t be here. None of us would.” She tilts her head slightly, her voice quieter now. “So stop trying to calculate your worth like an equation. Life isn’t something you solve.” I close my eyes, exhaling shakily. Stop trying to calculate your worth. I’ve spent my life measuring, optimizing, planning. But maybe—just maybe—I don’t need an answer right now. I open my eyes, looking at each of them in turn. They don’t just say they care. They show it. In words, in actions, in choices. The thing is, I believe them. Peering over Lena’s shoulder, who is still clinging to me as I cling to her, I see renewed conviction,a desire to help, and a desire to be helped. To lift each other up. To be more, but focusing on being, rather than what may be.

That is what I need to learn: we live in the present, so don’t kill it just for a shot at some nebulous ill defined future, but approach the day as a gift. A gift to collect, explore and share. To help, and be helped. I am not burdened to seek what is possible, I am gifted and called to help as I am helped.

Releasing Lena, I face her, still smiling with a few tears streaked down my face.

“Thank you. Thank all of you. Thank you for pulling me out of the tree, both literally and metaphorically. Thank you for being here, for being. To show me what ‘being’ means.”

Silvra pipes up, “We don’t need you specifically for anything, just be, share, and live, it has worked for ages, it will work for ages to come.”

“We’ll work on ya ideas, bu’ we all nee’ ta live. Doublin’ th’wood in th’fire does no double th’ light.”

I nod slowly, absorbing his sage like advice. Still seated in the chair, I reflect on all what has been said. Suddenly, an intrusive thought comes into my head. What am I doing tomorrow? I can feel my expression sour.

“You’re doing it again! Cut down on the thinking” Thallion interjects, interrupting my train of thought.

Reframing the question, I invert it, ‘what does tomorrow bring?’. Pondering that, my expression softens. A blank slate, an opportunity, and the ability to be whatever I want it to be. The day cannot ‘do’, but I always look forward to tomorrow. What can tomorrow be? My expression softens, my shoulders relax, and I exhale, releasing years of bound up tension in my chest from within.

With this new focus, I breathe in, surrounded by those I know, nay, my friends, and ready. Not to take on the day, but to embrace the day. Come what may. As the warmth of the fire flickers against my face and the quiet presence of my friends steadies me, my body finally allows itself to let go. My eyes grow heavy, my breathing evens, and for the first time in years, I rest, truly rest.